Tuesday, October 18, 2011

It has been awhile

I have not wanted to blog in awhile because honestly this past week or almost two has been awful for me.  I have been trying to make the decision to return to work or stay home.  It took me a lot of very sleepless nights, a lot of picking at my food, and a lot of conversations with anyone that would listen to come up with the decision to return to work until June and then revisit the decision.  It is not the perfect solution.  I would love to stay home but at the same time I do like my job.  I am a special education teacher and unfortunately leaving my job means that I will likely have to go back to school in order to teach again.  I do not have both elementary and special education certifications and most school districts are requiring special education teachers to have both.  I am grandfathered in and the state has no issues with my certification it is really confusion by districts according to the pennsylvania department of ed.  But when someone tells me, oh you can always go back to teaching if you resign. Well.... hmm... perhaps, but maybe not!  I thought about the fact that maybe it was ok.  Maybe I will never teach again.  But then I know that even if I stay home eventually I want to go back to work and the truth is, I can not imagine doing anything else.  Financially we are just on the edge, so really it will help us not dip into savings. 
I was almost manic over the past two weeks, excited about the prospect of just staying home and taking care of my girls.  But then something just didn't sit right with that idea either.  I looked into part time options and they really were not panning out.  That is something that I need to look in over the course of a few months, not over a few weeks.  There are possibilities and believe me, I am going to explore them!  But at the same point, I might just decide that I will go back to teaching for 6 months and then just be a Mom without any outside worries for another year.  I realize that I am going to miss out on Audrey's daily milestones, that hits me in the heart.  She will never be a baby again and I am going to miss a good chunk of it.  But someone told me that I am going to be here Mom forever and 6 months of it is simply that.  She also said that it is not quantity, it is quality time.  That hit me.  The truth is that lately I feel like I need something different.  I am not sure if that something is teaching, goodness this could be the wrong decision!  I am not perfect, I make the wrong choices.  But my plan is that I will go to work and when I am home, I am home.  If I have to let exercise go to spend time with my girls during these next 6 months, then big huge gulp, I will!  I am going to try to take minimal work home with me, maybe limiting it to one time during the week and then just on the weekend.  It will be a learning process.
My Mom, my amazing Mom, is going to watch Audrey through the end of December and then Audrey will start at Celia's daycare in January.  I am fine with December, Mom Mom will spoil her and she will get all the care she needs.  In January she goes into the big girl classroom, with 3 other little buddies.  In the past week though Audrey has been playing more with me.  She is interacted with me and her sister and taking turns.  She wants to play now and that makes me feel a bit better.  She is showing me that really she needs some play mates soon and so perhaps being in that situation when she is 13 months will be good for her.  Oh and she is finally babbling!!  I have been worried about her speech because for the most part Audrey has made little sounds, she is very quiet.  But all of a sudden we are getting a ton of babbling.  Oh and she is signing more, very hit or miss but today she signed help and then hit her chin.  I have been trying to teach her help, Mommy.  I think the hitting her chin was her approximation of Mommy!!
So I do feel super guilty about leaving Audrey and the week I go back I am going to miss her so much.  I have not mentioned Celia.  Yes, I will miss Celia but leaving Celia at school is familiar and she loves it there.  She does not want me to go back to school but when I mention that she will get to nap at school again she gets super excited.  I have enjoyed my year with Celia but honestly she thrives on the structure of school.   She has also been very trying lately and some days, ugh, some days I just think it would be okay to spend the three or four quality hours with her vs the quantity.  Sorry Celia, I love you to bits but when you chew me out because I would not wait for you in the hallway for the 20 minutes it took you to get dressed while holding Audrey and a laundry basket, it sort of rubs me the wrong way....  Again, love you to bits, but I am looking for the "4 is my favorite age" stage that everyone talks about. 

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